The Life of
Henry the Fifth
Or Something Near Enough
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
| HENRY V | A multilingual |
| EXETER | An Italophone |
| WARWICK | A Francophone |
| WESTMORELAND | A very Swiss Germanophone |
| CANTERBURY | A Germanophone who can impress in other languages when needed |
| ELY | A Francophone |
| The AMBASSADOR | An Anglophone who has to speak other languages as part of his job |
| KATHARINE | An Anglophone eager to learn |
| ALICE | A multilingual eager to teach |
ACT I
SCENE I
The capital city. A building where people decide things. While wearing suits.
| Enter the ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY, and the BISHOP OF ELY | Enter the ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY, and the BISHOP OF ELY |
| CANTERBURY (High German) | CANTERBURY |
| Ich sage Ihnen: Der Gesetzentwurf Den wir in der letzten Legislatur Nur dank der Unruh, Angst und Turbulenz Die damals herrschten, knapp verhindern konnten – Dieses Gesetz bedroht uns nun schon wieder. | My lord, I’ll tell you; that self bill is urged, Which in the eleventh year of the last king’s reign Was like, and had indeed against us pass’d, But that the scambling and unquiet time Did push it out of farther question. |
| ELY (French) | ELY |
| Mais comment, pensez-vous, y résister à présent? | But how, my lord, shall we resist it now? |
| CANTERBURY (High German) | CANTERBURY |
| Genau das ist die Frage. Wenn er durchgeht Verlier’n wir gut die Hälfte an Besitz: Den Grundbesitz, den wir von guten Bürgern Durch Nachlass steuerfrei erworben haben Würden sie uns entreissen. Hier der Text: «…ist abzugeben, unter Staatsauflagen Der Preis und Unterhalt von fünfzehn Ämtern, Und sechstausendzweihundert Zollbeamten… …Sozialzulagen bis zum Mindestlohn Und Altersgeld» – ein Taschengeld für Faule! «Der Unterhalt für hundert Strassenküchen» Und obendrauf geht eine Fixabgabe Alljährlich an den Staat – so der Entwurf. | It must be thought on. If it pass against us, We lose the better half of our possession: For all the temporal lands which men devout By testament have given to the church Would they strip from us; being valued thus: As much as would maintain, to the king’s honour, Full fifteen earls and fifteen hundred knights, Six thousand and two hundred good esquires; And, to relief of lazars and weak age, Of indigent faint souls past corporal toil. A hundred almshouses right well supplied; And to the coffers of the king beside, A thousand pounds by the year: thus runs the bill. |
| ELY (French) | ELY |
| Ce serait une grande rasade. | This would drink deep. |
| CANTERBURY (High German) | CANTERBURY |
| Es würde uns verschlucken. | ‘Twould drink the cup and all. |
| ELY (French) | ELY |
| Mais comment l’empêcher? | But what prevention? |
| CANTERBURY (High German) | CANTERBURY |
| Nun, das Staatsoberhaupt ist uns geneigt. | The king is full of grace and fair regard. |
| ELY (French) | ELY |
| C’est un sincère ami de la sainte Eglise. | And a true lover of the holy church. |
| CANTERBURY (High German)1 | CANTERBURY |
| Sein Werdegang schien anderes zu drohen. Doch kaum war die Regierung frei für ihn, Als diese unberechenbare Wildheit In ihm verstarb. Im selben Augenblick Kam wie ein guter Engel die Besinnung Und trieb ihm seine wilden Triebe aus, So dass in ihm ein wahres Paradies Verblieb – ein Ort und Raum für die Vernunft. Noch nie entstand so plötzlich ein Gelehrter; Noch nie kam die Bekehrung wie die Flut, Mit solcher Kraft, Irrtümer zu durchbrechen Noch gab es jemals sture Rebellion, Welche so schnell und gründlich unterging Wie nun bei ihm. | The courses of his youth promised it not. The breath no sooner left his father’s body, But that his wildness, mortified in him, Seem’d to die too; yea, at that very moment Consideration, like an angel, came And whipp’d the offending Adam out of him, Leaving his body as a paradise, To envelop and contain celestial spirits. Never was such a sudden scholar made; Never came reformation in a flood, With such a heady currance, scouring faults Nor never Hydra-headed wilfulness So soon did lose his seat and all at once As in this king. |
| ELY (French) | ELY |
| Ce changement est une bénédiction pour nous. | We are blessed in the change. |
| CANTERBURY (High German)2 | CANTERBURY |
| Hört man, wie er Moral und Pflicht erklärt, So wünscht man sich im Innern, voll Bewundrung Dass er ein hoher Priester werden sollte. | Hear him but reason in divinity, And all-admiring with an inward wish You would desire the king were made a prelate: |
| ELY (French) | |
| Ecoutez-le débattre des affaires de l’Etat, Vous diriez qu’elles ont toujours été toute son étude. | Hear him debate of commonwealth affairs, You would say it hath been all in all his study. |
| CANTERBURY (High German) | |
| In seinen Reden über Krieg und Waffen Hört man die Schlachten als Musik erklingen. | List his discourse of war, and you shall hear A fearful battle render’d you in music. |
| ELY (French) | |
| Orientez-le sur n’importe quel sujet politique, Et il en dénouera le nœud gordien Aussi facilement qu’une jarretière | Turn him to any cause of policy, The Gordian knot of it he will unloose, Familiar as his garter. |
| CANTERBURY (High German) | |
| Und wenn er spricht Hält selbst die Luft in ihrem Treiben inne, Und stummes Staunen steckt in allen Ohren, Um was er sagt wie Honig aufzusaugen. Die Lebenskunst und praktische Erfahrung Müssen die Quelle seiner Einsicht sein: Ein Wunder nur, woher er all das hat Wo er doch stets zu Leichtfertigkeit neigte, Sein Umgang ungebildet, grob und seicht war, Sein Zeitvertreib war Zechen und Tumult, Und niemals fiel er auf durch Lernbegier, Oder durch Fleiss, Zurückhaltung und Rückzug Vom öffentlichen Rummel und der Menge. | That, when he speaks, The air, a charter’d libertine, is still, And the mute wonder lurketh in men’s ears, To steal his sweet and honey’d sentences; So that the art and practic part of life Must be the mistress to this theoric: Which is a wonder how his grace should glean it, Since his addiction was to courses vain, His companies unletter’d, rude and shallow, His hours fill’d up with riots, banquets, sports, And never noted in him any study, Any retirement, any sequestration From open haunts and popularity. |
| ELY (French) | ELY |
| La fraise pousse sous l’ortie, Et les fruits sains prospèrent et mûrissent mieux Environnés de fruits de basse qualité. Ainsi sous le voile de la dissipation, Le prince masquait-il sa sagesse, qui sans doute Comme l’herbe d’été, a poussé plus vite la nuit, Invisible, mais douée du pouvoir de grandir. | The strawberry grows underneath the nettle And wholesome berries thrive and ripen best Neighbour’d by fruit of baser quality: And so the prince obscured his contemplation Under the veil of wildness; which, no doubt, Grew like the summer grass, fastest by night, Unseen, yet crescive in his faculty. |
| CANTERBURY (High German) | CANTERBURY |
| Das muss es sein; den Wunder gibt es nicht; So müssen wir die Mittel anerkennen Wodurch die Dinge recht gestaltet werden. | It must be so; for miracles are ceased; And therefore we must needs admit the means How things are perfected. |
| ELY (French) | ELY |
| Mais, mon bon seigneur, Comment faire pour édulcorer ce projet de loi? Proposée par les Communes? Sa Majesté Incline-t-elle en sa faveur ou non? | But, my good lord, How now for mitigation of this bill Urged by the commons? Doth his majesty Incline to it, or no? |
| CANTERBURY (High German) | CANTERBURY |
| Er scheint noch offen, Das heisst, er ist uns eher zugeneigt Als dass er unsre Widersacher fördert; Ich habe ihm ein Angebot gemacht, Gestützt auf unser Planungskommittee, Wonach wir ihm, zur Lösung aller Fragen Der Aussenpolitik, die ich ihm auch Sehr detailliert erklärte, mehr Resourcen Zur offenen Verfügung stellen würden Als alle seine Vorgänger je hatten. | He seems indifferent, Or rather swaying more upon our part Than cherishing the exhibiters against us; For I have made an offer to his majesty, Upon our spiritual convocation And in regard of causes now in hand, Which I have open’d to his grace at large, As touching France, to give a greater sum Than ever at one time the clergy yet Did to his predecessors part withal. |
| ELY (French) | ELY |
| Et comment cette offre fut-elle reçue ? | How did this offer seem received, my lord? |
| CANTERBURY (High German) | CANTERBURY |
| Er nahm das Angebot sehr gern zur Kenntnis; Doch blieb ihm nicht die Zeit, von mir zu hören, Was, wie ich sah, er gerne hören wollte, Und zwar die eindeutige Ableitung Von seinem Anrecht auf gewisse Länder, Und allgemein auf alle Herrschaft, die Durch seinen Vor-Vorgänger auf ihn fällt. | With good acceptance of his majesty; Save that there was not time enough to hear, As I perceived his grace would fain have done, The severals and unhidden passages Of his true titles to some certain dukedoms And generally to the crown and seat of France Derived from Edward, his great-grandfather. |
| ELY (French) | ELY |
| Quel incident vous a interrompus? | What was the impediment that broke this off? |
| CANTERBURY (High German) | CANTERBURY |
| Der Botschafter wollte gerade dann Ein Treffen haben; wir warten darauf Ihn anzuhören: Ist es schon vier Uhr? | The French ambassador upon that instant Craved audience; and the hour, I think, is come To give him hearing: is it four o’clock? |
| ELY (French) | ELY |
| Oui. | It is. |
| CANTERBURY (High German) | CANTERBURY |
| Dann wollen wir mal hören was er will; Obwohl ich das ja auch genausogut, Erraten könnte, ohne dass er’s sagt. | Then go we in, to know his embassy; Which I could with a ready guess declare, Before the Frenchman speak a word of it. |
| ELY (French) | ELY |
| Je vous suis, il me tarde de l’entendre. | I’ll wait upon you, and I long to hear it. |
| Exeunt | Exeunt |
SCENE II
The same. The presence chamber.
| Enter KING HENRY V, GLOUCESTER, BEDFORD, EXETER, WARWICK, WESTMORELAND, and Attendants | Enter KING HENRY V, GLOUCESTER, BEDFORD, EXETER, WARWICK, WESTMORELAND, and Attendants |
| KING HENRY V (Swiss German) | KING HENRY V |
| Wo isch de itz dä Mösiö Kanter-Burri? | Where is my gracious Lord of Canterbury? |
| EXETER (Italian) | EXETER |
| Not here in presence. | Not here in presence. |
| KING HENRY V (Italian) | KING HENRY V |
| Send for him, good uncle. | Send for him, good uncle. |
| WARWICK (French)3 | WESTMORELAND |
| Faut-il introduire l’ambassadeur? | Shall we call in the ambassador, my liege? |
| KING HENRY V (French) | KING HENRY V |
| Pas encore, Warwick: nous voulons être éclairé, Avant de l’entendre, sur plusieurs points essentiels Touchant la politique étrangère. | Not yet, my cousin: we would be resolved, Before we hear him, of some things of weight That task our thoughts, concerning us and France. |
| Enter the ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY, and the BISHOP of ELY | Enter the ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY, and the BISHOP of ELY |
| CANTERBURY (High German) | CANTERBURY |
| Ich wünsche Ihnen alles Heil der Welt In einer langen Amtszeit! | God and his angels guard your sacred throne And make you long become it! |
| KING HENRY V (High German) | KING HENRY V |
| Danke sehr. Gelehrter Herr, fahren Sie bitte fort4 Erklären Sie präzise und exakt Wie diese Klausel aus dem ‘loi Salique’ Unseren Anspruch ausschliesst, oder nicht: (Reads from a Protocol) Und Gott bewahre, mein verehrter Herr, Dass Sie die Deutung biegen, zwingen, umdrehn, Oder sich gar bewusst hier schuldig machen Indem Sie uns ein Recht zuschreiben, das Nicht ganz im Einklang mit der Wahrheit steht; Gott weiss, wie viele Menschen jetzt gesund sind Die bald in Unterstützung des Projekts Das Sie empfehlen, Blut vergiessen werden. (French) Aussi prenez garde à la façon dont vous engagez notre personne, Dont vous réveillez l’épée endormie de la guerre ; Nous vous en adjurons, au nom de Dieu, prenez garde, Car jamais deux semblables armées n’ont lutté Sans grande effusion de sang, dont chaque goutte innocente Est une lamentation, un grief amer Contre celui dont l’injustice aiguise les épées Qui font un tel carnage de la courte vie humaine. (High German) Jetzt sind Sie eingeschworen, sprechen Sie; Wir werden eifrig hören und vertrauen Dass, was Sie sagen, frei von jedem Fehler, Nach Wissen und Gewissen sauber ist. | Sure, we thank you. My learned lord, we pray you to proceed And justly and religiously unfold Why the law Salique that they have in France Or should, or should not, bar us in our claim: And God forbid, my dear and faithful lord, That you should fashion, wrest, or bow your reading, Or nicely charge your understanding soul With opening titles miscreate, whose right Suits not in native colours with the truth; For God doth know how many now in health Shall drop their blood in approbation Of what your reverence shall incite us to. Therefore take heed how you impawn our person, How you awake our sleeping sword of war: We charge you, in the name of God, take heed; For never two such kingdoms did contend Without much fall of blood; whose guiltless drops Are every one a woe, a sore complaint ‘Gainst him whose wrong gives edge unto the swords That make such waste in brief mortality. Under this conjuration, speak, my lord; For we will hear, note and believe in heart That what you speak is in your conscience wash’d As pure as sin with baptism. |
| CANTERBURY (High German) | CANTERBURY |
| Sehr wohl, geehrte Heeren, meine Damen, Und Würdenträger, die ihr ganzes Leben Dem Staatsinteresse widmen: Sehen Sie Den Passus, den man uns entgegenhält:5 ‘Sit terra Salica semper sui iuris’6 ‘Das Salierland sei immer autonom:’ Und nun behaupten sie, das Salierland Betreffe ihr Gebiet, und das Gesetz, Sagen sie fälschlich, gebe ihnen recht. Doch ihre eigenen Experten wissen, Dass dieses Salierland in Deutschland liegt, Und zwar zwischen der Saale und der Elbe; Wo sich, im Paragraphen 9, punkt zwo,7 Des Sachsen-Franken-Zolleinheitsvertrags; Der wiederum entstand aus Abneigung Für Abschnitt 13, Ziffer 2, 3ter Der Gastgewerbsarbeiterinnenordnung, In welcher viel zu viele fremde Rechte Die Ordnung unterwandern, wie zum Beispiel: Der Elbschifffahrtsbewilligungszugang Für Donaudampfschifffahrtsgesellschaften Ist ungeklärt – Nun steht hier kleingedruckt Noch dieses schon genannte Rechtsprinzip, Das jedoch, wie nun völlig klar sein dürfte Nur auf das Salierland bezogen ist, Sowohl im Hinblick auf den vollen Inhalt Als auch darauf, was sich aus seinem Text Für das Besitzstanderbrecht folgern lässt. (Italian) Which Salique, as I said, ‘twixt Elbe and Sala, Is at this day in Germany call’d Meisen. (French) Il apparaît donc clairement que cette loi salique N’a pas été conçue pour le royaume de France. Et les Français n’ont possédé la terre salique Que quatre cent vingt et un ans Après le décès du roi Pharamond, Tenu à tort pour le fondateur de cette loi, Qui mourut en l’an quatre cent vingt-six De notre rédemption ; Et Charlemagne Soumit les Saxons et établit les Français Au-delà de l’Yssel en l’an Huit cent cinq. De plus, disent leurs auteurs, Le roi Pépin, qui déposa Childéric, Prétendit être l’héritier légitime en tant que descendant De Blithilde, fille du roi Clotaire, Quand il fit valoir ses droits à la couronne de France. De même, Hugues Capet qui usurpa la couronne De Charles, duc de Lorraine, seul héritier mâle De l’authentique lignée et de la souche de Charlemagne, Qui voulait que la nation soit certaine8, Pour donner à son titre quelque apparence de vérité, Alors qu’en vérité pure il était corrompu et nul, Se présenta comme héritier de Dame Lingare, Fille de Charles le Chauve, qui était le fils De l’empereur Louis, Louis étant le fils De Charlemagne. (High German) Auch Ludwig der Zehnte9, Der vom Usurpatoren Capet erbte, War sich, und das ist ein Indizbeweis, Seines Rechts erst dann sicher als er glaubte Sicher zu sein, dass seine Grossmutter, Von Ermengard abstammte, welche selbst, Tochter des vorgenannten Charles de Lorraine war: Durch Ihre, Ermgards, Ehe ist die Linie Zu Karl dem Grossen endlich komplettiert. So zeigt sich klar wie Sommersonnenlicht: Der Anspruch aller Könige seit Pippin, Sowie die Sicherung von König Ludwigs Recht, Ergibt sich nur aus weiblicher Erbfolge: Dass, das Gewohnheitsrecht erwiesen ist; (French) Même s’ils mettent en avant la loi salique Pour exclure Votre Altesse du droit qu’elle tient des femmes, Et préfèrent se cacher dans un filet – (High German) Sie sollten, wie der Volksmund sagt (Swiss German) nöd laffere (High German) Und uns, ich meine Ihnen, endlich (Swiss German) liffere. | Then hear me, gracious sovereign, and you peers, That owe yourselves, your lives and services To this imperial throne. There is no bar To make against your highness’ claim to France But this, which they produce from Pharamond, ‘In terram Salicam mulieres ne succedant:’ ‘No woman shall succeed in Salique land:’ Which Salique land the French unjustly gloze To be the realm of France, and Pharamond The founder of this law and female bar. Yet their own authors faithfully affirm That the land Salique is in Germany, Between the floods of Sala and of Elbe; Where Charles the Great, having subdued the Saxons, There left behind and settled certain French; Who, holding in disdain the German women For some dishonest manners of their life, Establish’d then this law; to wit, no female Should be inheritrix in Salique land: Which Salique, as I said, ‘twixt Elbe and Sala, Is at this day in Germany call’d Meisen. Then doth it well appear that Salique law Was not devised for the realm of France: Nor did the French possess the Salique land Until four hundred one and twenty years After defunction of King Pharamond, Idly supposed the founder of this law; Who died within the year of our redemption Four hundred twenty-six; and Charles the Great Subdued the Saxons, and did seat the French Beyond the river Sala, in the year Eight hundred five. Besides, their writers say, King Pepin, which deposed Childeric, Did, as heir general, being descended Of Blithild, which was daughter to King Clothair, Make claim and title to the crown of France. Hugh Capet also, who usurped the crown Of Charles the duke of Lorraine, sole heir male Of the true line and stock of Charles the Great, To find his title with some shows of truth, ‘Through, in pure truth, it was corrupt and naught, Convey’d himself as heir to the Lady Lingare, Daughter to Charlemain, who was the son To Lewis the emperor, and Lewis the son Of Charles the Great. Also King Lewis the Tenth, Who was sole heir to the usurper Capet, Could not keep quiet in his conscience, Wearing the crown of France, till satisfied That fair Queen Isabel, his grandmother, Was lineal of the Lady Ermengare, Daughter to Charles the foresaid duke of Lorraine: By the which marriage the line of Charles the Great Was re-united to the crown of France. So that, as clear as is the summer’s sun. King Pepin’s title and Hugh Capet’s claim, King Lewis his satisfaction, all appear To hold in right and title of the female: So do the kings of France unto this day; Howbeit they would hold up this Salique law To bar your highness claiming from the female, And rather choose to hide them in a net Than amply to imbar their crooked titles Usurp’d from you and your progenitors. |
| KING HENRY V (High German) | KING HENRY V |
| Kann ich mit Fug und Recht Anspruch erheben? | May I with right and conscience make this claim? |
| CANTERBURY (High German) | CANTERBURY |
| Die Sünde auf mein Haupt, geehrter Herr! Es steht auch schon im vierten Buche Mose, «Wenn ein Mann stirbt, so spreche man die Erbschaft Der Tochter zu10.» Beharren Sie, mein Herr, Auf Ihrem Recht; Blut soll die Fahne färben; Besinnen Sie sich Ihrer grossen Ahnen: Betrachten Sie den Vor-Vor-Vorgänger, In Ihrem Amt; sein Kampfgeist soll Sie führen, Genau wie der der andren heeren Recken, Die gegen jede wilde Übermacht Auf fremdem Feld ein Trauerspiel aufführten, Während die weisen Generäle lächelnd Vom hohen Hügel sah’n wie junge Löwen Im Blut der stärksten Feinde wüteten. Oh edle Herren, unser halbes Heer Hat ausgereicht, den ganzen Feind zu schlagen Während die andre Hälfte lachend dahstand, Beinah gelangweilt, weil es nichts zu tun gab! | The sin upon my head, dread sovereign! For in the book of Numbers is it writ, When the man dies, let the inheritance Descend unto the daughter. Gracious lord, Stand for your own; unwind your bloody flag; Look back into your mighty ancestors: Go, my dread lord, to your great-grandsire’s tomb, From whom you claim; invoke his warlike spirit, And your great-uncle’s, Edward the Black Prince, Who on the French ground play’d a tragedy, Making defeat on the full power of France, Whiles his most mighty father on a hill Stood smiling to behold his lion’s whelp Forage in blood of French nobility. O noble English. that could entertain With half their forces the full Pride of France And let another half stand laughing by, All out of work and cold for action! |
| ELY (French) | ELY |
| Réveillez le souvenir de ces morts vaillants, Et de vos bras puissants renouvelez leurs prouesses; Vous êtes leur successeur, vous siégez sur leur trône; Leur sang et le courage qui firent leur renom Coulent dans vos veines ; et mon trois fois puissant seigneur Est au premier matin de mai de sa jeunesse, Mûr pour les exploits et les grandes entreprises. | Awake remembrance of these valiant dead And with your puissant arm renew their feats: You are their heir; you sit upon their throne; The blood and courage that renowned them Runs in your veins; and my thrice-puissant liegeIs in the very May-morn of his youth, Ripe for exploits and mighty enterprises. |
| EXETER (Italian) | EXETER |
| Your brother kings and monarchs of the earth Do all expect that you should rouse yourself, As did the former lions of your blood. | Your brother kings and monarchs of the earth Do all expect that you should rouse yourself, As did the former lions of your blood. |
| WESTMORELAND (Swiss High German) | WESTMORELAND |
| Wir haben einen Kriegsgrund, Macht und Mittel; All das ist hier bewiesen, denn noch nie Hatte der Staat so grossen Reichtum oder Solch treue Bürger, stolze Patrioten, Die nur im Körper hier, im Geist im Krieg sind. | They know your grace hath cause and means and might; So hath your highness; never king of England Had nobles richer and more loyal subjects, Whose hearts have left their bodies here in England And lie pavilion’d in the fields of France. |
| CANTERBURY (High German) | CANTERBURY |
| Dann last die Körper folgen, um das Recht Mit Blut und Schwert und Feuer zu gewinnen; Um dies zu unterstützen werden wir Für Ausstattung und Unterhalt des Heeres Einen Betrag beisteuern der noch nie In dieser Höhe zugesprochen wurde. | O, let their bodies follow, my dear liege, With blood and sword and fire to win your right; In aid whereof we of the spiritualty Will raise your highness such a mighty sum As never did the clergy at one time Bring in to any of your ancestors. |
| KING HENRY V (High German) | KING HENRY V |
| Wir brauchen nicht nur für das Ausland Waffen, Auch hier im Inland braucht’s ein Kontigent Da sonst die Randgebiete offenstünden Für Übergriffe und für Subversion. | We must not only arm to invade the French, But lay down our proportions to defend Against the Scot, who will make road upon us With all advantages. |
| CANTERBURY (High German)11 | CANTERBURY |
| Erlauben Sie, ich denke, unser Grenzschutz, Ist ausreichend gerüstet um das Land Vor kriminellen Grenzgängern zu schützen. | They of those marches, gracious sovereign, Shall be a wall sufficient to defend Our inland from the pilfering borderers. |
| KING HENRY V (High German) | KING HENRY V |
| Ich sprach nicht bloss von kleinen Diebesbanden, Ich fürchte mehr den allgemeinen Aufstand, Der in gewissen Kreisen möglich ist; Ich muss daran erinnern, dass es oft Wenn meine Vorgänger mit ihren Truppen Im Ausland tätig waren, allzu schnell Zu einer Flut, ja, einem wahren Dammbruch, Von Agitationen und Protest kam, Aufstände in der ländlichen Provinz, Die Städte wie belagert mit Protesten; Das ganze Land war beinah ohne Schutz, So dass die Ordnung zitterte und bebte. | We do not mean the coursing snatchers only, But fear the main intendment of the Scot, Who hath been still a giddy neighbour to us; For you shall read that my great-grandfather Never went with his forces into France But that the Scot on his unfurnish’d kingdom Came pouring, like the tide into a breach, With ample and brim fulness of his force, Galling the gleaned land with hot assays, Girding with grievous siege castles and towns; That England, being empty of defence, Hath shook and trembled at the ill neighbourhood. |
| CANTERBURY (High German) | CANTERBURY |
| Das Land hatte damals mehr Schreck als Schaden, Und kann sich dadurch selbst zum Vorbild werden: Als es seine Armee ins Ausland sandte Und so als unbeschützte Witwe dastand, Hat sich die Heimat nicht nur selbst verteidigt, Sondern auch die Verräter wie ein Wolf Die aufgescheuchten Schafe eingesammelt, Und abgeschoben, wo sie hingehören. Dadurch war die Gesamtbilanz des Kriegs So mit Erfolg gefüllt wie es das Meer Mit Schätzen und den Wracks von Booten ist. | She hath been then more fear’d than harm’d, my liege; For hear her but exampled by herself: When all her chivalry hath been in France And she a mourning widow of her nobles, She hath herself not only well defended But taken and impounded as a stray The King of Scots; whom she did send to France, To fill King Edward’s fame with prisoner kings And make her chronicle as rich with praise As is the ooze and bottom of the sea With sunken wreck and sunless treasuries. |
| WESTMORELAND (Swiss High German) | WESTMORELAND |
| Ich gebe dieses Sprichwort zu bedenken:12 ‘Vor du chasch go tanze ga, Muesch dis Heu im Schober ha:’ Kaum ist der Adler draussen auf der Jagd, Schleicht sich der Marder ans verlass’ne Nest Und saugt sich an den grossen Eiern satt. Die Katz ist aus dem Haus, das freut die Maus, Die mehr zerbeissen will als sie vermag. | But there’s a saying very old and true, ‘If that you will France win, Then with Scotland first begin:’ For once the eagle England being in prey, To her unguarded nest the weasel Scot Comes sneaking and so sucks her princely eggs, Playing the mouse in absence of the cat, To tame and havoc more than she can eat. |
| EXETER (High German) | EXETER |
| Das heisst, die Katze muss zuhause bleiben: (Italian) Yet that is but a crush’d necessity, Since we have locks to safeguard necessaries, And pretty traps to catch the petty thieves. While that the armed hand doth fight abroad, The advised head defends itself at home; For government, though high and low and lower, Put into parts, doth keep in one consent, Congreeing in a full and natural close, Like music. | It follows then the cat must stay at home: Yet that is but a crush’d necessity, Since we have locks to safeguard necessaries, And pretty traps to catch the petty thieves. While that the armed hand doth fight abroad, The advised head defends itself at home; For government, though high and low and lower, Put into parts, doth keep in one consent, Congreeing in a full and natural close, Like music. |
| CANTERBURY (High German) | CANTERBURY |
| Genau – und deshalb kennt die Ordnung Des Staates die getrennten Amtsfunktionen, Setzt damit alles Streben in Bewegung; Und als das Ziel steht steht aller rechte Bahn, Genauso arbeiten die Honigbienen, Die nach einem Naturgesetz uns lehren Wie Ordnung aus dem rechten Streben wächst. So gibt es dort Regierung und Beamte; Wo einige zu Hause Ordnung halten, Die andern, wie die Händler, fliegen aus, Und wieder andre machen ihren Stachel Zu einer Waffe, die sie, wie Soldaten, Benutzen um die Blumen auszuplündern Um ihrem Herrscher Beute heimzutragen; Der wiederum voll Eifer überwacht Wie Maurer summend gold’ne Häuser bauen, Wie Bürger gutgessittet Honig kneten, Wie arme Lastenträger schwerbepackt All ihr Gepäck zu seinem Lande hiefen, Wie strengblickende Richter herrisch brummend, Die Ständig-Faulen in die blasse Hand Des Strafvollzugs befehlen. Daraus folgt Dass viele Dinge mit demselben Zweck Ihn auf verschied’ne Weisen finden können: Wie Pfeile, die an ihrem Ziel sich treffen Obwohl sie von verschiednen Punkten kommen; Wie viele Strassen in dieselbe Stadt geh’n; Wie viele Flüsse sich im Meer vereinen; Gleich wie die Linien auf der Sonnenuhr, So können tausend Taten, die in Gang sind, In einem Endzweck gipfeln, wo sie alle Schadlos gelingen. Darum auf zum Krieg. Lasst uns die frohe Nation vierteilen; Mit einem Viertel ziehen Sie ins Feld, Und davon wird das ganze Land erbeben. Wenn wir, denen noch dreimal soviel Macht bleibt, Die eigne Tür dem Hund nicht wehren können, So soll er uns zerreissen und das Volk Verlier den Ruf der Tapferkeit und Staatskunst. | True. Therefore doth heaven divide The state of man in divers functions, Setting endeavour in continual motion; To which is fixed, as an aim or butt, Obedience: for so work the honey-bees, Creatures that by a rule in nature teach The act of order to a peopled kingdom. They have a king and officers of sorts; Where some, like magistrates, correct at home, Others, like merchants, venture trade abroad, Others, like soldiers, armed in their stings, Make boot upon the summer’s velvet buds, Which pillage they with merry march bring home To the tent-royal of their emperor; Who, busied in his majesty, surveys The singing masons building roofs of gold, The civil citizens kneading up the honey, The poor mechanic porters crowding in Their heavy burdens at his narrow gate, The sad-eyed justice, with his surly hum, Delivering o’er to executors pale The lazy yawning drone. I this infer, That many things, having full reference To one consent, may work contrariously: As many arrows, loosed several ways, Come to one mark; as many ways meet in one town; As many fresh streams meet in one salt sea; As many lines close in the dial’s centre; So may a thousand actions, once afoot. End in one purpose, and be all well borne Without defeat. Therefore to France, my liege. Divide your happy England into four; Whereof take you one quarter into France, And you withal shall make all Gallia shake. If we, with thrice such powers left at home, Cannot defend our own doors from the dog, Let us be worried and our nation lose The name of hardiness and policy. |
| KING HENRY V (Swiss German) | KING HENRY V |
| Jetzt chönd ihr d’Botschafter glaub innela. | Call in the messengers sent from the Dauphin. |
| Exeunt some Attendants | Exeunt some Attendants |
| (French) Nous voici maintenant bien13 résolus, et avec l’aide de Dieu, Et la vôtre, nobles soutiens de ma puissance, Ce pays étant à nous, nous la plierons à notre autorité Ou la mettrons en pièces. Soit nous y trônerons (Gouvernant d’une souveraineté pleine et entière La France et tous ses duchés quasi royaux), Soit nous déposerons nos os dans une fosse indigne, Sans monument ni inscription funéraire: (Italian) Either our history shall with full mouth Speak freely of our acts, or else our grave, Like Turkish mute, shall have a tongueless mouth, Not worshipp’d with a waxen epitaph. | Now are we well resolved; and, by God’s help, And yours, the noble sinews of our power, France being ours, we’ll bend it to our awe, Or break it all to pieces: or there we’ll sit, Ruling in large and ample empery O’er France and all her almost kingly dukedoms, Or lay these bones in an unworthy urn, Tombless, with no remembrance over them: Either our history shall with full mouth Speak freely of our acts, or else our grave, Like Turkish mute, shall have a tongueless mouth, Not worshipp’d with a waxen epitaph. |
| Enter Ambassadors of France | Enter Ambassadors of France |
| (English) Now are we well prepared to know the pleasure Of your new minister; for we have heard You come from him, not from the head of state. | Now are we well prepared to know the pleasure Of our fair cousin Dauphin; for we hear Your greeting is from him, not from the king. |
| The AMBASSADOR (English) | The AMBASSADOR |
| May’t please you, noble sir, to give us leave Freely to render what we have in charge; (French) Or shall we sparingly show you far off The Dauphin’s meaning and our embassy? | May’t please your majesty to give us leave Freely to render what we have in charge; Or shall we sparingly show you far off The Dauphin’s meaning and our embassy? |
| KING HENRY V (French) | KING HENRY V |
| Nous ne sommes pas un tyran, mais un roi chrétien; Notre colère est assujettie à notre courtoisie Comme sont soumis les malheureux enchaînés dans nos prisons. Dites-nous donc sincèrement avec une franchise sans contrainte Quelle est la pensée du dauphin.. | We are no tyrant, but a Christian king; Unto whose grace our passion is as subject As are our wretches fetter’d in our prisons: Therefore with frank and with uncurbed plainness Tell us the Dauphin’s mind. |
| The AMBASSADOR (French) | The AMBASSADOR |
| Thus, then, in few. You claim some certain lands in our country (French) En réponse à cette reclamation,14 notre maître Says that you savour too much of your youth, vous conseille de réfléchir. Il n’y a rien en notre pays Qui puisse être conquis par quelques pas d’une agile gaillarde. You cannot revel into dukedoms there. (High German) Drum schickt er Ihnen, für Sie passender, Dies Fass voll Schätze, und damit den Wunsch, Dass Sie die Länder, die Sie von uns fordern, Ab nun in Ruhe lassen. (French) Bon, c’est tout. | Thus, then, in few. Your highness, lately sending into France, Did claim some certain dukedoms, in the right Of your great predecessor, King Edward the Third. In answer of which claim, the prince our master Says that you savour too much of your youth, And bids you be advised there’s nought in France That can be with a nimble galliard won; You cannot revel into dukedoms there. He therefore sends you, meeter for your spirit, This tun of treasure; and, in lieu of this, Desires you let the dukedoms that you claim Hear no more of you. This the Dauphin speaks. |
| KING HENRY V (Italian) | KING HENRY V |
| What treasure, uncle? | What treasure, uncle? |
| EXETER (Italian) | EXETER |
| Tennis-balls, my liege. | Tennis-balls, my liege. |
| KING HENRY V (French) | KING HENRY V |
| Nous sommes bien aise que votre ministre soit avec nous si plaisant. De son cadeau et de vos peines nous vous remercions. Quand nous aurons assorti nos raquettes à ces balles, Nous jouerons chez lui (par la grâce de Dieu) une partie Qui mettra en péril la vie de tout son pays. (English) Tell him he hath made a match with such a wrangler That all the courts he has will be disturb’d With chaces. And we understand him well, How he comes o’er us with our wilder days, Not measuring what use we made of them. (High German) Mein momentanes Amt galt mir nie viel; Deshalb habe ich mich, fern von zu Hause Solch wilden Ausschweiffungen hingegeben, Wer nicht zu Hause ist, wird übermütig. (French) Mais dites au dauphin que je saurai tenir mon rang, Agir en roi et déployer la voile de ma grandeur Quand je serai monté sur mon trône de France. C’est pour cela que j’avais laissé de côté ma majesté, Peinant comme un ouvrier les jours de labeur, Mais là-bas, je me dresserai dans une gloire si pleine Que j’éblouirai tous les yeux de France, Oui, le dauphin même à me regarder en deviendra aveugle. Mais dites à ce facétieux monsieur que sa moquerie A changé ses balles en boulets de canon, et que son âme Portera le poids cruel de la vengeance dévastatrice Qu’ils porteront avec eux: (English)15And many a thousand widows Shall this his mock mock out of their dear husbands; Mock mothers from their sons, mock cities down; And some are yet ungotten and unborn That shall have cause to curse this foolish scorn. (French) Mais tout ceci dépend de la volonté de Dieu, A qui j’en appelle, et au nom duquel, Dites-le au dauphin, je me mets en marche Pour me venger comme je pourrai, et pour lever Mon bras justicier pour une sainte cause. Partez d’ici en paix; (High German) und sagt ihm auch Sein Spass wird bald sehr abgeschmackt erscheinen, Wenn tausend mehr, als lachten, drüber weinen. (Swiss German) Gib’ne e sichri Heireis, und Adieu. | We are glad the Dauphin is so pleasant with us; His present and your pains we thank you for: When we have march’d our rackets to these balls, We will, in France, by God’s grace, play a set Shall strike his father’s crown into the hazard. Tell him he hath made a match with such a wrangler That all the courts of France will be disturb’d With chaces. And we understand him well, How he comes o’er us with our wilder days, Not measuring what use we made of them. We never valued this poor seat of England; And therefore, living hence, did give ourself To barbarous licence; as ’tis ever common That men are merriest when they are from home. But tell the Dauphin I will keep my state, Be like a king and show my sail of greatness When I do rouse me in my throne of France: For that I have laid by my majesty And plodded like a man for working-days, But I will rise there with so full a glory That I will dazzle all the eyes of France, Yea, strike the Dauphin blind to look on us. And tell the pleasant prince this mock of his Hath turn’d his balls to gun-stones; and his soul Shall stand sore charged for the wasteful vengeance That shall fly with them: for many a thousand widows Shall this his mock mock out of their dear husbands; Mock mothers from their sons, mock castles down; And some are yet ungotten and unborn That shall have cause to curse the Dauphin’s scorn. But this lies all within the will of God, To whom I do appeal; and in whose name Tell you the Dauphin I am coming on, To venge me as I may and to put forth My rightful hand in a well-hallow’d cause. So get you hence in peace; and tell the Dauphin His jest will savour but of shallow wit, When thousands weep more than did laugh at it. Convey them with safe conduct. Fare you well. |
| Exit Ambassadors | Exeunt Ambassadors |
| EXETER (Italian) | EXETER |
| This was a merry message. | This was a merry message. |
| KING HENRY V (Italian) | KING HENRY V |
| We hope to make the sender blush at it. (High German) Darum, vergeudet keine gute Stunde Die unserm Unternehmen nützen kann; All unser Denken gilt nun diesem Plan, Nun, und auch Gott, der uns darin vorangeht. (French) Ainsi donc, que les forces nécessaires à ces guerres Soient bientôt rassemblées, et qu’on pense à tout Ce qui peut assez rapidement ajouter Des plumes à nos ailes; car, si Dieu le veut, Nous irons les tancer jusque chez eux. (High German) Und jeder soll wie ich, und mit mir denken, Um diesem grossen Werk Erfolg zu schenken. | We hope to make the sender blush at it. Therefore, my lords, omit no happy hour That may give furtherance to our expedition; For we have now no thought in us but France, Save those to God, that run before our business. Therefore let our proportions for these wars Be soon collected and all things thought upon That may with reasonable swiftness add More feathers to our wings; for, God before, We’ll chide this Dauphin at his father’s door. Therefore let every man now task his thought, That this fair action may on foot be brought. |
| Exeunt. Flourish | Exeunt. Flourish |
SCENE …
On a stage
| … | … |
ACT III
SCENE IV
On a stage
| Enter KATHARINE and ALICE | Enter KATHARINE and ALICE |
| KATHARINE | KATHARINE |
| Alice, you’ve been to their country and you speak the language well. | Alice, tu as été en Angleterre, et tu parles bien le langage. |
| ALICE | ALICE |
| A little bit, madam. | Un peu, madame. |
| KATHARINE | KATHARINE |
| Oh I beg you: I must learn to talk. What do you call the hand in Swiss? | Je te prie, m’enseignez: il faut que j’apprenne à parler. Comment appelez-vous la main en Anglois? |
| ALICE | ALICE |
| La main, la mano, die Hand or d’Hang, and… something else I can’t remember. | La main? elle est appelee de hand. |
| KATHARINE | KATHARINE |
| The what…? And the fingers? In one language please! | De hand. Et les doigts? |
| ALICE | ALICE |
| The fingers? Gosh, I always forget the fingers – but I’ll remember. The fingers? I think they’re called… Die Finger; jawohl, die Finger! | Les doigts? ma foi, j’oublie les doigts; mais je me souviendrai. Les doigts? je pense qu’ils sont appeles de fingres; oui, de fingres. |
| KATHARINE | KATHARINE |
| The Hand… forget it; The fingers, die Finger. I think I’m a good student; I’ve quickly mastered a word of Swiss. What do they call the nails – of the Finger? | La main, de hand; les doigts, de fingres. Je pense que je suis le bon écolier; j’ai gagne deux mots d’Anglois vitement. Comment appelez-vous les ongles? |
| ALICE | ALICE |
| The nails? We call them die Nägel. | Les ongles? nous les appelons de nails. |
| KATHARINE | KATHARINE |
| Die Nägel. Listen: Tell me if I speak well: Die Finger, and die Nägel. | De nails. Ecoutez; dites-moi, si je parle bien: de hand, de fingres, et de nails. |
| ALICE | ALICE |
| Well said, madame – this is very good… Swiss.16 | C’est bien dit, madame; il est fort bon Anglois. |
| KATHARINE | KATHARINE |
| Tell me the English for arm. | Dites-moi l’Anglois pour le bras. |
| ALICE | |
| Arm? With a weapon? | |
| KATHARINE | |
| No! Arm! With die Finger and die Nägel! | |
| ALICE | ALICE |
| Oh… It’s “le bras”17, madam. (mispronounced) | De arm, madame. |
| KATHARINE | KATHARINE |
| Le bras18. I’ll repeat all the words which you have taught me so far. | Le bras. Je m’en fais la repetition de tous les mots que vous m’avez appris des a present. |
| ALICE | ALICE |
| That is too difficult, madam, I think. | Il est trop difficile, madame, comme je pense. |
| KATHARINE | KATHARINE |
| Excuse me, Alice, and listen. Erm… haand…? Die Finger, the Nägel, the bras19. | Excusez-moi, Alice; ecoutez: de hand, de fingres, de nails, de arma, de bilbow. |
| ALICE | ALICE |
| Brass20, madame. | De elbow, madame. |
| KATHARINE | KATHARINE |
| Oh good Lord, I do forget! The brass21. What do they call the neck? | O Seigneur Dieu, je m’en oublie! de elbow. Comment appelez-vous le col? |
| ALICE | ALICE |
| Le cou.22 | De neck, madame. |
| KATHARINE | KATHARINE |
| Le cou. And the cheek. | De nick. Et le menton? |
| ALICE | ALICE |
| The joue. | De chin. |
| KATHARINE | KATHARINE |
| Jouir. The neck, le cul: the cheek, the jouir23. | De sin. Le col, de nick; de menton, de sin. |
| ALICE | ALICE |
| Yes. If I may say so, you pronounce the words as right as the natives of Switzerland. | Oui. Sauf votre honneur, en verite, vous prononcez les mots aussi droit que les natifs d’Angleterre. |
| KATHARINE | KATHARINE |
| I have no doubt that I’ll learn it all, and quickly. | Je ne doute point d’apprendre, par la grace de Dieu, et en peu de temps. |
| ALICE | ALICE |
| But haven’t you already forgotten what I have teached24 you? | N’avez vous pas deja oublie ce que je vous ai enseigne? |
| KATHARINE | KATHARINE |
| No, I’ll recite it to you immediately: The…? The Fingers, the Regel25… | Non, je reciterai à vous promptement: de hand, de fingres, de mails— |
| ALICE | ALICE |
| Die Nägel, Madame. | De nails, madame. |
| KATHARINE | KATHARINE |
| Die Näägel – good. Then: The bras… | De nails, de arm, de ilbow. |
| ALICE | ALICE |
| Excuse me: The brass.26 | Sauf votre honneur, de elbow. |
| KATHARINE | KATHARINE |
| As I say: The brass, le cou, la jouir. Are there any more languages in Switzerland? | Ainsi dis-je; de elbow, de nick, et de sin. |
| ALICE | |
| Yes, at least two. One is Italian. | |
| KATHARINE | KATHARINE |
| And what do they say for head? Oh – And for clothes? | Comment appelez-vous le pied et la robe? |
| ALICE | ALICE |
| Testa, madam, and vestiti.27 | De foot, madame; et de coun. |
| KATHARINE | KATHARINE |
| Testi… and Vests… tities! OMG! These words sound ugly, venal, barbarian and lewd, and are not to be used by ladies of class: I wouldn’t pronounce these words in front of important men for all the world. Nevertheless, I’ll recite my whole lesson one more time – except for the hand: Die Fingerr, die Nägel, le brass, le cou, la jouir, testa and… vestiti. | De foot et de coun! O Seigneur Dieu! ce sont mots de son mauvais, corruptible, gros, et impudique, et non pour les dames d’honneur d’user: je ne voudrais prononcer ces mots devant les seigneurs de France pour tout le monde. Foh! le foot et le coun! Neanmoins, je reciterai une autre fois ma lecon ensemble: de hand, de fingres, de nails, de arm, de elbow, de nick, de sin, de foot, de coun. |
| ALICE | ALICE |
| Excellent, madam! | Excellent, madame! |
| KATHARINE | KATHARINE |
| That’s enough for now – let’s go to dinner. | C’est assez pour une fois: allons-nous a diner. |
| Exeunt | Exeunt |
NOTES
1. We’ve been thinking that we might cut the parts which refer to Henry’s youth.
2. We’ve suggested to split up Canterbury’s speech on Henry’s qualities between Canterbury and Ely, so they can alternate in their praise and we can alternate in the language.
3. We thought this line might go to Warwick instead of Westmoreland, even though it would be Warwick’s only line, because these short exchanges should establish Henry as effortlessly multilingual, so there should be a French speaker among his addressees, but Westmoreland will later be very brilliantly Swiss High-German.
4. For a shorter version (e.g. in London), the rest of this speech up to Canterbury’s response might be cut.
5. The German for these lines now just says: “This is the legal paragraph which is being held against us.”
6. I allowed myself to suggest a (made up) alternative Latin phrase in order to remove the direct issue from questions of hereditary monarchic power and make it more about territorries’ rights to autonomy.
7. Everything from this line until the Switch to Italian is nonsensical legalese with very long German words forced into blank verse – it’s basically a highly laboured pseudo-argument based on (fictitious) interregional treaties regulating labour mobility and river usage licensing agreements – to be accompanied by an even more confusing PowerPoint where Ely desperately switches between slides with maps, funny pictures, and partial English translation which will only make everything even more blatantly obfuscating. The crossed-out lines at the end of the German locate the correct reference of the term “Salic land” in the small-print and conclude that Canterbury is obviously right. The general idea is to have him mount a civil or treatise law defence of his claim before stating his (equally tortuous) common-law case going back to Charlemagne, the comic effect of which could be heightened by having it follow a sermon on continental treaties and business regulations.
8. This line has no basis in Shakespeare, but I (T.Ae) would love to have it in, because it’s wonderfully mistaken French (confusing “certainty” with “security”) which I’ve actually heard from Swiss political commentators of a certain bellicose persuasion trying to make points in French, which is basically what Canterbury is doing here.
9. If we weren’t suggesting to delete this line anyway: Shakespeare falsely copied «tenth» from Holinshed, it should be the ninth… If the presentation is done with a PowerPoint (just because it isn’t confusing enough yet), this could be noted on a slide: “The line really refers to Louis IX, the error in the presentation is due to a copyist’s mistake in the legal office. The responsible copyist has been sacked.”
10. If we weren’t suggesting to delete this line: There’s another inaccuracy here: The bible (Numbers 27:8) explicitly states that this applies only if there is no son – if there’s a PowerPoint along with this, the full quote could be on the slide, with this condition crossed out, along with an unexplained but convenient «does not apply» disclaimer.
11. Though the theme of border-protection and the topic of external aggression as connected to the risk of internal dissidence and rebellion is brilliant and couldn’t be less outdated, we still suggest to cut this sequence quite radically because it is pretty long and, given how the languages are set up, there isn’t really much of a chance to switch away from German during any of it.
12. Westmoreland currently still gets his say on this topic because T.Ae. absolutely loves these lines. There is uncertainty about their attribution, sometimes given as “A Lord” and sometimes given to Ely – but having Ely say this would be weird, since he’s supposed to back up Canterbury’s drive for sending troops abroad and these line give an argument for being cautious with such a project.
13. Henry’s code-switching at this point is relatively free (not to say arbitrary), but it would just signal him addressing different parts of the assembled audience.
14. The Ambassador could also be showing off his abitlity to integrate into his environment, though it might be nice if he has an accent in the languages other than English.
15. Henry’s switches to English in his threats to the ambassador could be motivated by him wanting to make the threat more immediate by uttering it in the addressee’s first language in a context where such a switch would be marked, since the ambassador would usually be expected to speak Henry’s language and not vice versa.
16. She could say «German» instead of Swiss, or might eye-rollingly defer to Katharine’s assumption that a country must have a language named after it.
17. During the battle scenes, Shakespeare puns on the French «bras» to be misheard by Pistol as «brass», and editors seem to agree that the «s», silent in today’s French, would’ve been pronounced in 16th century French. We’re basically having Alice mispronouncing “bras” with the “s” (though with a short a), to set up the puns a few lines later.
18. Repeats it as she’s just heard it.
19. Now she says it as the plural of english «bra».
20. Corrects Katharine with a short a, but over-stressing the s.
21. The pun is hereby completed – urban dictionary’s definition of brass has been accommodated.
22. Aurélie informs me that this can be mispronounced to sound rude (in French).
23. «Jouir» is old-fashioned for «to enjoy», and less old-fashioned for «to have an orgasm».
24. Alice, not being a native-speaker of English, does get to make this obvious mistake.
25. Since «Nägel» in standardised theatre German is pronounced very much like «Negel», she could misremember it as “Regel”, which usually means “rule”, but also “period”.
26. Same pun on bras as above.
27. And at this point, we’d reached the stage of translating Shakespeare from French into English and highlighting all the potentially naughty bits.